Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Last sunday geoff and I decided to pop down to Oxford to see the family.
My mum, Ruth and my step father, Bruce, my sister Yvonne who is 55, her daughter Dawn and Dawns husband Simon and their beautiful daughter Keira.
Yvonne has a son Darren but he has moved away from Oxford now.
Dawn and Simon live in Merton, a small village on the outskirts of Oxford and we always pop in to see them on the way down to see my mum.
Geoffs daughter Laura and her husband Martin also live in the same village, and they only live about 5 doors away from each other so thats really nice.
However Laura and Martin were out so we popped down the road went to see dawn and simon.
Yvonne was there, because unfortunately, she had slipped in the snow a couple of weeks earlier and broke her arm.
Not once, but in two places, poor girl she was in agony.
She had been to hospital and they had put a sling on it,they don't plaster it now apparently, and she was staying with dawn and simon because she couldn't do anything with only one arm working.
She couldn't dress herself, wash her hair, nothing.
At first she was reasonably happy and laughing and joking with us, but then she started to get a bit depressed (not surprisingly really) and kept mentioning Jeff.
Jeff , who was 59,was her husband for about 25 years, I can't remember exactly how long they were married, but it was a long time, when suddenly, two years ago, he had a brain haemorrhage and died. Totally,unexpectedly, out of the blue.
One day he was fine, the next day he had gone.
It was such a shock, no-one could believe it.
We were devastated.
And that is the problem, it was two years ago now, and although there is no time limit for grieving, yvonne cannot let go at all.
You will always remember the person who died and the things you used to do together,you would remember the good times and the bad.
Yvonne, I'm afraid, cannot except the fact that Jeff has gone.
She says the same thing everytime we see her:
"Huh, what about his mum and Trevor, (Jeffs stepfather) they are still alive.
It's not fair."
Please don't get her wrong, she does not mean any harm to them, not at all, but she just feels it is unfair that they are still alive and Jeff is not.
We looked at each other and I told her that no-one can answer that because (thankfully) no-one knows when they are going to die and who decides where,when and how.
I told her we were all devastated when it happened and although it has been two years now, we still can't really believe ourselves that it has happened.
She should now look ahead and respectfully put that behind her and think about tomorrow.
That was greeted with:
"What have I got to look forward too?"
Geoff then turned to her and explained that she had a lot to look forward to. She is young and attractive, she could easily find someone else and settle down with them.
That did not go down well, she looked at geoff and almost choked on her drink.
She couldn't imagine being with anyone else.
And thats the problem.
Thats what worrying me and geoff.
We are both concerned that she will never let him go, and never get on with her life.
I know that Jeff would want her too.
But we cannot convince her of that.

I do not mean to sound hard or uncaring to Yvonne, but I am so worried that she will end up a bitter, angry woman, with no life of her own.
Her children have their own lives now, so whats going to happen to her?
It is a worry.

3 comments:

Foody said...

What's that post above all about???

Well I think your poor sister sounds very, very depressed. I thinkn you are right; she needs to, as they say, "move on". I wish I knew what to say or suggest. It is difficult because everyone needs their own time and their own way of dealing, but it sounds to me as if she has gone on grieving and feeling low long enough. You can't interest her in getting involved in things that would get her out with other people, like a dance class or a singing group, or something with animas like dog walking for older people? Or a group where she could meet other bereaved people so she would be able to chat to people in the same situation and make new friends of them? I think the CAB or local library would be able to give lists of such organisations.
I see you don't live exactly nearby so you can't take such control, but they're just ideas from somebody who wants to try to help.

Annette said...

Thankyou foody,
good ideas.

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